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Jul. 15, 2005 - 8:02 a.m.

In the last few months while I have been on sabbatical from writing here, lots of things have happened. One of which was that MusicMan and I stopped seeing each other again. There was something about our entire relationship that gave me the impression that every time I saw him it could be the last time, but I remained optimistic. I remained optimistic when I realized that he had changed his personals profile to say that he was looking for someone who was "ideally a cultural match" (which I am not). I was optimistic even though I knew that he was looking for someone else. I was even optimistic when things seemed to be going poorly.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when he came over and I sensed this weird vibe from him. What did surprise me was how bluntly he told me what he had to say. He simply said, "I've met someone else and I think it's the best next step for me." What am I supposed to do with that. How can one not take that personally? I tried my best to be cool. I tried my best not to say, "for someone who still believes that hope and love are still alive this is a little hurtful." At one point he said I want us both to look back at this relationship fondly. Up until that last moment, I would have. He left me with such a sour note in my heart.

And now, months later, I find myself wanting to call him up and see how is best next step is working out. I find myself completely obsessed with looking at his personal to see if he's looking. I want to get to the point where I can stop myself from looking to see if he's looking.

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